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AN ENGLISH LESSON |
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Jim HOGAN - Jan 28,2004
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AN ENGLISH LESSON
Is this mind boggling? We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but
the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are
called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find
a
lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not
hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of
pan
be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you
a
boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are
teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural
would
never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of
brother
and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then
the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine,
she,
shis and shim. Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking
English:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce saleable produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
(I got tired of underlining, you can do the rest!)
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...If you have a
rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a
tree!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it
a
pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce
and hammers don't ham? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
but
one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't
preachers
praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do
people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send
cargo
by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance
and
a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.? ~ Benjamin
Franklin
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